Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A difficult decision

In my previous post I shared with you of the Lord’s mercies and faithfulness in providing a new temporary job. By His kind providence, my new superior is a very kind young engineer. The Lord also provided a special meeting room as my office and so spared me from having to work in a big office with many staff.

I was still depressed as the anti-depressant was working very slowly, due to the low dosage. The next day, I took half day leave to bring my mother for her medical appointment. As I just started work, the HR department managed to secure 1/2 day leave for me. But that turned out to be a very stressful event. Usually, in my previous job, my employer allows me a day-off whenever I need to bring my mother for her medical appointments. Usually the wait in the Hospital or Polyclinic is very long and I will be able to take my tired mother home after that. But on this day, it was different. Since I just started work, I was grateful for the 1/2 day leave.

However, the wait at the Polyclinic was very long as usual. By the time my mother got to see the Doctor, it was very late. I had to rush to work and left her there to wait for her medications. The wait there was very long for her, almost an hour. After that she took a bus home as she is very thrifty and will not take a cab. I was very worried for her on my way to work as I feel bad leaving her there to wait for the medication and then find her own way home. I fear that she may be too tired. She suffers from rather severe hypertension and diabetes, and sometimes she feels giddy and weak. That was the first time I had to leave her to wait for her medication and then find her way home. But I didn’t have a choice. I had to report for work after lunch time. So I rushed to work and grabbed a sandwich along the way as a quick lunch.

Due to the depression, it was very hard for me to concentrate at work and do very much. But thank God that as the computer program was still very new and the data for the project has yet to really flow in, my workload was very light. My colleagues who shared the meeting room also were not always there. So I have a lot of privacy and quietness to work quietly. It was hard for me to talk to people but my colleagues were very nice. I was able to speak a little to them whenever necessary.

Depression has a way slowing a person down and caused extreme exhaustion. I was very exhausted by the third day at work. Though the nature of the work was simple, I was still very exhausted. Thankfully the next day was Saturday and I was able to rest. On Sunday, I went to church but I left quickly after that. It was still hard for me to talk to people. When I am at home, I sleep most of the time. It was still hard to face each day. The anti-depressant was working very slowly.

The second week had many challenges. More and more of the staff in that special projects began to appear in the meeting room. I found myself having to greet many strangers but they are very nice. But they are all men! I was not used to work in a majority of men environment. I used to work with women employer and colleagues with minimum male colleagues. So I was a little uneasy to be in a meeting room with many men, all very chatty and jovial. I was still down and not able to laugh or smile much at their jokes. But they bear patiently and kindly with me and left me to work quietly. One of the engineer teased me and said he doesn’t like people who works very hard. He told me to try and enjoy the work (what he meant was don’t work so hard, sit around and chit chat sometimes, etc…) I was quite taken aback by his comments as I was very used to working hard !

Sadly by the third day, I was again very exhausted. I pushed myself to go through the fourth day. But on Friday, I simply could not bring myself to go to work. I felt very ill and exhausted. I had to call my office to apply for a day off as I was so unwell. Thank God that Jack was agreeable to it. He was very kind.

The next week was the same situation. Each day was a struggle. By the third day of the week, I could hardly function. I prayed about it and thought it not appropriate for me to keep applying for leave every week. I also didn’t know how to carry on with my work. I have difficulty facing each day. The workload was also increasing and several important meetings were held. I became rather nervous as to whether I was doing the data-entry correctly. I did attempt to ask Jack but he was always very busy. He had many meetings to attend and hardly had time to explain things to me. I didn’t have confidence to carry on with my work. Finally, I decided after some struggles and prayers, that it may be better for me to discontinue the work before the work gets more complicated. It is better to hand over to someone else who can manage the job on the longer basis. It was a very very difficult decision but one that I had to make.

So I called my mother to explain my situation to her and to inform her that I was unwell and needed a break. I then called Jack and inform him of my inability to continue with my job.

Jack asked me to wait for him in the meeting room……..

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