A reflective day

I am thankful to God for seeing me through my third day at work. I have a lot to be thankful for.

This morning, I was rather happy to wake up and go to work though I was very tired. I was up very early and somehow could not sleep anymore. So I work on the Mandarin Bulletin that I was helping my church to do for the elderly people that came to my church's evening services.

On my way to work, I prayed for God's grace and strength. I did feel quite stressed regarding my work last 2 days due to the nature of the job as well as the targets to meet daily. I realized that I made quite a number of mistakes while rushing to complete as much work as possible. My 3 younger colleagues are very helpful and kind. But I did feel kind of intimidated by their speed of work while I felt I was so slow compared to them. As we all work in a team, my slowness will be evident and it may in someways affect my colleagues' work.

As I reflected on this, it suddenly down upon me that in my rush to complete as much work as possible, though I have done my best and tried to be as careful as possible, my focus has been more on completing as much work as possible and not on the accuracy of the work. The result of that is detrimental. The accuracy of my job is highly important. I realized that I have got my priority or focus wrong. I did fear that if I didn't do fast enough, I might not be good enough for the job and they might not keep me. But now on hind sight, I realized that as accuracy is more important than speed, the more mistakes I made the higher chances of them not keeping me.

I felt rather down when I thought of this. I felt grieved by my own sins and failures. I think I will most likely get a bad report and they might not want to keep me for long. I also felt bad because my church friend helped me to get the job and I feared I have let her down. I prayed to God to forgive me of my sins. Though the job is important to me and earning money is important, to honour God is more important. I prayed that God may enable me to set my focus right in my job and do a proper job rather than trying to prove that I can do the job or accomplish their targets daily. I felt that I should apologize to my superiors for my wrong working attitudes which might have affected the accuracy of my assignments and indirectly the whole project.I felt prepared to be ask to leave and know that God will somehow take care of me and continue to provide for me.

I thank God for His faithfulness that He did not allow me to be tested above what I could bear. When I shared my fear that I have made many mistakes the past 2 days, my superiors encouraged me that they will check through the codings eventually and they will rectify any errors. They also assured me that my assignments was the hardest among all the assignments of my other colleagues and they think I am very careful at my tasks. Today, 2 of my colleagues also helped to take on part of my assignments. So as I concentrate to do as accurate as possible, somehow my workload did not increase as my colleagues shared my workload! Thank God!

At the end of the day, God has another surprise in store for me. When I was leaving, my superior asked whether I have registered with one of their departments and inform them that I am available for other part-time assignment when this one ends on 22 Feb 2008. I said I didn't. My superior said she can bring me to register! God willing, she will do so tomorrow. Praise God again for His mercies and faithfulness!

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Updates after my first two days back at work

My first day at work on 11 Feb2008:

Thank God that my first day at work went well today! The nature of the job is interesting and not too stressful. But it does require a lot of thinking and analysing. Thank God my colleagues are all very kind and helpful, and as we work in a team, I am able to discuss with my colleagues on any difficulties I encountered. The working environment is very pleasant and the location is away from the noisy and busy town.

Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness. Thanks for friends who prayed with and for me. Feeling rather tired today probably because my first day at work after such a long break. Hope to get a good night rest and praying for strength and wisdom for days ahead

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My second day at work on 12 Feb2008:

Thank God that my second day at work was much better. I was less tired but I do still find myself rather slow in processing information. My work requires reading and analysing some data. Praying for much wisdom, grace and strength from God.

I was able to lunch with my colleagues today and get to know a little better. They are very young and cheerful people. It's nice to be around them as it makes me feel younger :-)

Returning to work (Feb 2008)

Thank God for a spiritually refreshing Lord’s day. Bro Linus Chua preached a very encouraging sermon and I hope to share about it in my future post.

Now I have finally started to work after having rested for about 4 months!

I have been working part-time in the last 4 years+ for one of my good friends who works with children with special needs. I also helped her to run a children’s bookroom and a Christian bookroom. I left that job in September 2007 when she decided to scale down her business. I was going through a relapse of severe depression then since July 2008. My friend and ex-colleagues have been very kind to me when I was working with them. I am not sure if I will ever find another employer and colleagues like them.

Thank God that now I am well and ready to return to work. I have prayed that for a start, God will provide either a part-time/half-day work where I work maybe around 4 to 6 hours. Thank God for His faithfulness in answering my prayers for a part-time job. Through a kind friend in church, I was offered this part-time position for 10 days from 11 Feb to 22 Feb. I am working for 6 hours daily.

I am looking forward to this new beginning and to chart another chapter in my life! Praying that God will give me strength and grace to adapt back to work and that I can contribute well to my assignments.

Jehovah Jireh - God has provided again! (1st February 2008)

Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness! I am thrilled that God has provided another opening for me with regards to job.

I have not been working since Oct 2007 due to the relapse in July 2007 which worsened when I went through some stress and strain in Aug and Sep 2007. Thank God for providing for all my needs over the last few months through the kind love gifts of some friends and church brethren who gave very generously and anonymous as unto our Lord. I am deeply indebted to our Lord and to these kind friends and church brethren for their kindness.

I was particularly moved when an old friend in Canada, Esther Chew together with her sister, Grace (whom I have never met), gave me love gifts from Canada and recently when Esther visited Singapore. I met Esther more than 10 years ago when we were both studying at Far Eastern Bible College (FEBC). After my graduation in May 1998, I lost touched with Esther. By God's merciful providence, Esther found my home telephone number in her things last year and got her niece, Sharon, who is in Singapore to call me. Ever since then, Esther has been keeping in touch with me through email. Thank God for her friendship, encouragements and kindness.

I have been praying that God willing, He will provide a half-day or part-time job for me after Chinese New Year ie after 10 Feb 2008. Or some freelance assignments for me. Thank God for His mercies in providing an opening. One of my church friends, sis Grace Yong, kindly informed me of a part-time job offer at her work place for the month of Feb 2008. I have applied for the position. They have called to inform me that they will be able to employ me from 11 Feb to 22 Feb for 6 hours daily. Thank God for answering my prayers and providing once again for my needs! Praise Him.

I am praying that God willing, He will provide other part-time or freelance assignments for me after that. Some difficulties I have encountered ever since I tried looking for a new job in Sep 2007 are:

1) Mental illness is still a stigma in Singapore. Whenever I fill up application forms to apply for a job, it is mandatory for me to declare my health condition in the application forms. I noted that when I state that I am on medication for asthma, depression or bipolar, I never hear from them again.

2) Some employers seemed to prefer younger and more energetic women, and some even stated clearly they want someone good-looking and outgoing. I am going to be 42 this Oct. I am certainly not young, energetic or good looking :-( Hopefully some employers will value my work experiences as I do have more than 10 years of working experiences in administration work.

3) My mother and I have to go for various medical appointments. My mother's health fluctuates. She has hypertension and diabetes for more than 20 years. She is on a lot of medications (7 types) daily. Sometimes she is better, sometimes she is worse. So I do need the flexibility to take time-off to bring her for her various medical appointments and in time of emergency. I am also still seeing my Doctor regularly and need to be able to take time-off for that as well. Most jobs don't offer that kind of flexibility. Thank God that my previous employer Shu, and my ex-colleagues Louise and Shirley, were very very gracious and understandings and they have accomodated all my needs to take time-off for my mother and my own medical needs. Thank God for them! It's not easy to find such employers and colleagues, but God is Jehovah Jireh - He will provide.

I hope after this assignment in Feb, the L0rd will provide other part-time or freelance assignments for me. I have started a simple blog to advertise my freelance administrative services:

http://freelance-admin.blogspot.com/

I may try to approach some publishing company to see if they need freelance typist as my strength lies in my typing. I love to type and I am a pretty fast typist. Will pray and continue to wait upon God, trusting that He will continue to provide for my every needs.

Blessings in bipolar

Recently, I am learning to count my blessings through all the ups and downs I have experienced due to bipolar. Bipolar is a chronic and lifelong condition, but with effective medication and other helps to keep symptoms under control, it is possible for most people with bipolar disorder to live a close-to-normal life. It is encouraging for me to read of others who are able to see their bipolar in a positive and beneficial way, and also to strive to achieve wellness despite the great pain and suffering they have gone through. I am prompted to count my blessings through my own experiences and make use of them for God's glory and the benefit of His people, and other sufferer of bipolar and depression.

Bipolar alternates between mania/hypomania and depression, and I believe there are blessings to be derived from both conditions. Though depression is awful and painful beyond words, there are still many precious lessons and benefits I can derive from it. Mania/hypomania also has its advantages and disadvantages. Going through both of these experiences have been enriching to me, though it used to be confusing at one time before I was diagnosed. Now I can look back and see how I grow through each experience.

I share Dr Kay Redfield Jamison's sentiment when she describes how bipolar has shaped her life. Dr Jamison is a Professor of Psychiatry at the John Hopkins University of Medicine. She has bipolar and she authored a very excellent book "An Unquiet Mind", on her personal experiences of bipolar and how it shaped her life and profession. She is able to appreciate her bipolar in terms of her creativity, her passion and energies. She is also one who is determine to master her illness and make use of her gifts of intellect to make a difference. She wrote:

"So why would I want anything to do with this illness? Because I honestly believe that as a result of it, I have felt more things, more deeply; I had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; worn death "as close as dungarees," appreciated it - and life - more; seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through. I have seen the breath and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they both are. Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know. And I think much of this is related to my illness - the intensity it gives to things and the perspective it forces on me. I think it has made me test the limits of my mind (which, while wanting, is holding) and the limits of my upbringing, family, education, and friends."

I thank God for some blessings which I can find through the ups and downs of my bipolar, such as:

1) God is more and more precious to me each day. Through all the pain and sufferings I have gone through due to relapses of severe depressions, I am made sensible of God's presence with me, in preserving me, restoring me and delivering me. I would not have been able to survive any of the episodes without God's mercies and grace. I am also drawn nearer to our Lord Jesus Christ over the years and sanctified by Him, so that I can be more useful for Him and to others. Through every severe depression episodes, I will experience as if God has forsaken me because I could not think or feel aright and therefore cannot feel God's presence with me. Whenever I am better or well, I cherish every opportunity to attend public worship, to do my personal devotions and to pray.

2) God's Words, the Bible, becomes more and more precious to me as I learn to derive much comfort, encouragements, strength and direction from it when going through my most difficult days. I began to understand some things that were written in the Bible in different ways after going through those ups and downs. It was also through some severe depressive episodes when I could not be sensible of God's presence with me that I searched deeper into the doctrines of salvation, sanctification and glorification. I appreciates these great doctrines and their impact on our life, and our blessed hope in them because of what Christ has done for us in laying down His life and delivering us from eternal damnation.

3) I learn to value my family, loved ones and friends as I experience their love and kindness through many ways. My mother took care of me while my church prayed and encouraged me, and provided for some of my needs. I have friends who stand by me although they may not fully understand what I go through. My friends also kindly accept me into their fellowship when I am better and ready. I thank God for them.

I read somewhere that True Friends are those who know all about you and still like you, and True Friends go through thick and thin together. I thank God for some friends who continue to accept me with all my weaknesses and didn't despise me because of my mental condition. No doubt, I lose some friends over the years because of my condition, but I gained so many more. Thank God.

4) Like Marja, Dream Writer, Michelle, Susan, Amanda and many people with this condition, I am rather creative. I receive a lot of pleasure from writing, photography and making homemade crafts and gifts for my friends. I believe it is due to this reason too that by God's grace, I am able to develop this blog at this time.

I find writing therapeutic for me personally. I am also grateful to know that others have benefitted from my writings or sharings, or links on my blog. Ever since I started this blog, readers searching on topics regarding bipolar or depression have been directed by search engines to find my blog. WordPress helps me to keep track of these searches and I am heartened to know that others may benefit from my writings and links I placed on my blog. I hope it can help others who suffer from bipolar or depression, to know that they are not alone and there are various help available.

I am also enjoying photography a lot. I am able to enjoy God's creations in many wonderful ways when I started brisk walking and regular exercise. I love to go to the beach and watch the waves. They remind me of God's sovereignty and love. No matter what He allows us to go through, He will never leave us nor forsake us, and He is working all things for His glory and our good. I derived much joy and satisfaction in taking photos of the beach, waves, flowers, etc.

View some of my favourite photos at my facebook profiles:

a) East Coast Beach, Singapore on 21 November 2007

b) Changi Beach, Singapore on 1 January 2008

c) Some flowers and a small garden I took during my brisk walks

d) Some flowers and plants I took during my brisk walks

5) The deep feelings and experiences I have gone through made me what I am. I appreciate life because of the near death experiences I have gone through, and I cherish each day that the Lord has given me to live for Him and serve Him. The many difficult times I have gone through helps me to appreciate the better times, and I make the most out of it.

6) Due to the pains and sufferings I have gone through, I feel for others deeply even though I may not fully understand what they are going through. I learn to show compassion for others and to pray for them, and encourage them. I try to comfort them, whenever possible, with the same comfort which God has comforted me.

7) Whenever I am better or normal, I am sometimes hypomanic - so I have more energies, more ideas and able to do more things. I can take on more projects and can accomplish much more. I do need to moderate myself so that I don't overstrain as prolonged overstraining may bring about a relapse of severe depression. So I am learning to make use of my up time to accomplish more for the Lord, my family and friends, and for our societies at large. That is one reason why I am developing this blog so that it can help others.

To be continued ... still counting my blessings :-)

Dear Reader,

If you too have experienced some blessings from your depression, bipolar or other medical conditions or illnesses, or trials and afflictions, why not share with me and other readers for our encouragement? It is good for us to count our blessings daily so that we can grow and be enriched by our experiences in life, whether it be the ups or the downs. None of these experiences are wasted. They happened for a purpose and they have a lasting effect on us. May we grow through these experiences and make the most out of it for ourselves and others.

You can also email me at mylifewithbp@gmail.com. Thank you.