The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23)

Thank God for the joy of worship and fellowship again in church today. We also partook of the Lord's Supper together, and remember afresh our Lord Jesus Christ's great sacrifice on the cross of calvary to redeem us from sins, and our union together in Him as a church.

I thank God that He is with me through all the changing scenes in life. The past years have been difficult but the Lord's grace has been sufficient for me. The Lord has provided for all my needs (both temporal and spiritual) in His many wonderful ways, assuring me that He is my Shepherd, I shall not want (lack).

What a comfort to belong to the Lord and to know His love and goodness daily. Though coping with bipolar with its manic and depression can be very trying and difficult, the Lord has sustained and delivered me time and again. Sometimes I do fear the future as I fear relapses of severe depression again but I reminded over and over again that the Lord is in control. He will take care of me as I strive to take care of myself. Should I suffer a relapse again, despite all medical and other help, He is still with me. He will guide and lead me, and deliver me in His time. And I can serve Him even in my difficulties or sufferings, as I learn to rely more and more upon Him, and testify of His goodness and deliverance, so that all His people may put their hope in Him too.

Thank God that He is our Shepherd.

Psalm 23
(King James Bible)

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Psalm 23 (Scottish Metrical Psalter)

1 The Lord's my shepherd, I'll not want.
2 He makes me down to lie
In pastures green: he leadeth me
the quiet waters by.

3 My soul he doth restore again;
and me to walk doth make
Within the paths of righteousness,
ev'n for his own name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk in death's dark vale,
yet will I fear none ill:
For thou art with me; and thy rod
and staff me comfort still.

5 My table thou hast furnished
in presence of my foes;
My head thou dost with oil anoint,
and my cup overflows.

6 Goodness and mercy all my life
shall surely follow me:
And in God's house for evermore
my dwelling-place shall be.

You will enjoy Psalm 23 recited by this cute little girl posted by brimo on Youtube :-)

This Psalm 23 is posted by tsaiwaiming at Youtube.

Trust in God, believe in yourself and dare to dream

Found this card among my collections of cards. Yes, I collect cards besides quotes and short stories :-)

I am going through a big change now in my life, at the age of 42. After so many years of dreaming a life like this, I have finally and providentially, taken the step to do it.

I have always wanted to do freelance work in which I can make use of my skills and earn a decent living. And have time to serve God, more time to spend with my family and to reach out to others.

Through a relapse of severe depression in July last year in which my employer decided to scale down her businesses, I was led to leave my job of 4 years and to look for a new one. Bipolar, depression and other mental health disorders are very much a stigma in Singapore. I have difficulty finding a fulltime job. I did temp job for a short while, my depression worsened and then I took time off to recuperate.

It was during this time of break that I was able to learn to understand my condition better and how best to manage it so that I can be more functional. I began to enjoy brisk walk, photography, catching up with friends and making bookmarks and other crafts.

When I was ready to return to work in February 2008 this year, God provided me with a part-time job. It was short term but this part-time job provided me with freelance opportunities with them. I am thankful to God that through this freelance assignment plus helping my friends, I am able to earn some income to support myself and my mother. Freelancing do have its own stress in terms of instable income and tight project deadlines, and I do have so much more to learn on this and much patience to wait for progress. But I am grateful, very grateful as I can learn to manage my condition better this way when I can work at my own pace and take breaks as and when necessary.

I am so happy to use my skills in typing to do my freelance typing and transcribing work. And also to use my skills in making bookmarks and other crafts together with photography, to give to my friends, and maybe one day to sell these items too. I enjoyed these very much.

And by doing freelance work, I have been able to continue to serve God through some small work for my church as well as writing and visiting some church members. I have been able to take better care of my mother and spend more time with her as I usually works from home.

I am also grateful to God that I can continue to share God's goodness and mercies to me on this blog as it is therapeutic to me. And it is so wonderful to know so many friends through our blogs. Several kind people also wrote to me and now I have a handful of penpals from several parts of the world!

All these are so wonderful and amazing. I never thought my dreams can come true! Thank and praise God.

Amazing Grace

A friend sent me a link to YouTube on this lovely song/hymn "Amazing Grace" written by John Newton.

It reminded me afresh of God's grace in my life. He draw me to Himself while I was yet a sinner, saved me from my sins and continue to shower His love and grace on me day by day. I live by His grace daily. He is with me through all the changing scenes in life. And in all my trials, afflictions and difficulties, His grace has been sufficient for me and nothing will ever separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. What a mercy!

Wikipedia has a write-up on John Newton and his writing of Amazing Grace. John newton (July 24, 1725 – December 21, 1807) was a former slave-ship captain.

Someone wrote :

John Newton was a slave trader. He trafficked thousands of men, women and children. in 1748 a violent storm threatened to sink his ship and he fell to his knees and prayed to God for mercy. It was that night that John Newton sensed that there is a God who hears and answers prayers. He can save the worst of men. Over time, Newton repented. He became a preacher and writer of hymns together with William Cowper.

In 1772 he wrote a hymn called "Faith's Review and Expectation", a song that we know now as "Amazing Grace". It became perhaps the most popular song in history. A song that with a few notes lifts the head of the hopeless and softens the heart of the hardened.

On September 11th, "Amazing Grace" was sung to comfort a mourning world. It was sung after the hurricane Katrina, reviving the spirit of a fallen city.

Grace has the power to transform to right the wrongs, and turned a man who was once traded slaves into one who fought for their freedom.

Through many dangers, toils and snares, we have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead us home.

"Amazing Grace"

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine.

John New­ton, Ol­ney Hymns (Lon­don: W. Ol­i­ver, 1779)

This touching video with an introduction to John Newton's writing of "Amazing Grace" is posted by betahifi on YouTube. This "Amazing Grace" is sung a capella by Judy Collins, accompanied by the Harlem Boy's Choir, performing at the national Memorial Day Concert, Washington, DC, May 1993.


Here's another Video of "Amazing Grace" sung a capella by Judy Collins with the words to sing along, posted by Natalieirene :


If you are a fan of Elvis Presley, here's a tribute to him posted by PureListener.

Understanding my confusing past

One of the greatest advantage of my diagnosis with proneness to bipolar disorder or manic-depressive illness last March was that it helped me to understand that it is a medical condition that can be treated with medication and other helps. These have helped to relieve or shortened my suffering and enabled me to be more functional.

The other greatest advantage was it helped me to understand my confusing past.I have had some 10 or more episodes of severe depression over the last 20 years or so, prior to my diagnosis. And my life was like a big mess.

Whenever I am well, I am slightly manic and I will have more energy. I have many happy thoughts, able to accomplish many things and can be very creative. I like to make others happy by making small gifts for them like bookmarks and cross-stitch. I will also write to my friends to let them know that I am thinking of them and praying for them, especially those who are suffering in some ways. I enjoyed my family, my church, friends and work very much. I loved being with people, and I tend to be very talkative and overly friendly, even to strangers. Some friends said they find me very warm and friendly at such times. I am also a very excellent worker when I am manic and I alway take pride in whatever I do. I am some kind of a perfectionist and so I can do even a very small job very well. I do all things as unto the Lord, and will not mind even menial or boring jobs. I can be a great motivation to others who lead a mundane life by being very enthusiastic in whatever I do.

But whenever I am severely depressed, I am totally the opposite. I will be so slowed down that I can hardly wake up in the morning and I dragged myself through the day. My mind which used to be very positive and cheerful, filled with ideas and projects, suddenly seemed to have turned against me. My thoughts are all negative and self-condemning. My mind condemns me for all my past sins and failures. It kept playing back my past mistakes and weaknesses. It mocked at me for all my enthusiams and foolish plans. It no longer found anything interesting or enjoyable or worthwhile. I can't concentrate in anything I do or read. My thoughts turned time and again to the question, "What is the meaning of my life?". I can't enjoy prayer, reading the Bible or church. I can't enjoy my family, friends, work, hobbies or anything in general. And I simply can't find anything meaningful to do or worthy to live for. I often wished that the Lord will take me home quickly as every day is a living hell for me. As my depression usually lasted at least 3 to 6 months, or sometimes longer, you can imagine how challenging it will be for me to face that annoying question "What is the meaning of my life?" or "What is the point of living?" daily. It drained me.

Actually, in some sense of the word, Rob is right when he pointed out in my last post, that people only have the luxury to think about the meaning and purpose of life when they have no other more urgent problems. During depression, I don't have the energy or desire to do anything. So I did have plenty of time on hand and the luxury to ruminate over the meaning of my life. The only problem is because I was severely depressed, all my thoughts were negative and self-condemning. So I naturally can't find any meaning in my life during such time.

By the mercies of God, in January 2007, through the help of a Christian lady counsellor, Sarah and her team, at Counselling and Care Centre in Singapore, I have embarked on a new journey of self-discovery, of knowing God, myself and others better. Sarah counselled me for 9 sessions between end January 2007 to April 2007. These were life-changing sessions for me. Sarah uses a method of counselling or psychotherapy that is called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" (CBT).

CBT is a form counselling with a focus on understanding how our thoughts affect our behaviours. Bipolar alternates between 2 extreme mood swings ie. mania and depression, and our thoughts and behaviours are shaped by these mania and depression episodes which can at times be very confusing. CBT helps to make sense some of these confusions, and help to pick up skills to manage these mood swings so that one can be more functional. Through CBT I discovered some faulty or unhelpful thinking patterns I have been having which either can trigger off an episode of depression or can make it worse. These are still great challenges to me now.

CBT helps to make sense of my confusing past. In my first 2 sessions with my counsellor, Sarah, I recounted to her my past relapses of severe clinical depression in the last 20 years. Sarah noted at the end of my second session with her that there is a phrase I keep repeating and that is during every depressive episodes I will wonder "What is the meaning of my life?". Sarah felt that there is a necessity for me to explore this question and to see how I can get a more realistic and biblical view on this question as that will have an impact in my recovery.

Through my counselling sessions with Sarah, I realized that the question "What is the meaning of my life?" recurs only when I was depressed. It is part of the symptoms of depression as well as the effect of depression. Whenever I am well or manic, I do not have problem with this. I always find life meaningful as I live for the Lord and serve Him. I love life because God has given it to me, to know Him, love Him and serve Him.

Maybe not everyone who experience depression or prolonged severe depression, struggle with this question on the meaning or purpose of their life. Sarah suggested that one possible reason why I contantly struggle with it whenever I fall into depression, could be because I am a very purposeful person. I do things with purpose in my mind. I thought through why I choose a certain path or why I do a certain thing. I do no just go through the motion or follow the crowd and do things because everyone is doing it. I think she has got a point. I am not someone who likes to join the rat race in the working world. I do not work just to earn money but I want to enjoy what I am doing and to make significant contribution to my work. When I make friends, I don't just make and keep them for my own enjoyment or benefit. I seek to find ways to help and encourage my friends and be a blessing to them.

Sarah helped me to understand that the meaning in my life is found not just in having something meaningful to do although that is important and gives meaning to my life. But the meaning in my life is also found in having a meaningful relationship with God and with others in my life. I found that life is only meaningful to me when I have a right relationship with God. I cannot imagine my life now without God. Life is definitely meaningless to me if I do not have God in my life. The ability to pray, to read the Bible and to go to church is very important to me. I will be very saddened and discouraged whenever I am prevented from enjoying these when going through severe depression. This is one of the greatest reason why I will conclude life is meaningless whenever I am depressed.

I found that life is meaningful to me not just in having a meaningful relationship with God. Even if I enjoy God on my own and have all the knowledge of the Bible and doctrines, something is still missing in my life if I keep these to myself. I found meaning in my life when I am able to share my life with others. I love to care for people. I have been a care giver of my parents for the last 15 years until my father passed away in 2001. I am still the main care giver of my aged mother who battles many illness. I have a wonderful relationship with my siblings and nieces and nephew. I am my nieces and nephew's favourite aunty. Sometimes when we go out, people thought that my nieces and nephew are my children because they will cling on to me :-)

I have may wonderful friendships in my life among my church friends and other friends. I value friendships a lot as I am someone who feels very deeply. Friendships make my life very meaningful. I can give up many things for my friends. Many times I will not buy many things for myself but I readily buy those things for my friends. I like to make people happy by giving them gifts and cheering them up. I like to spend time with people who are lonely and needy. I enjoyed serving in the elderly ministry in my church together with my church friends in which we reach out to a group of poor and elderly people in my church neighbourhood. I enjoyed the friendships with these elderly when many people do not enjoy it. They too seemed to enjoy my friendships and they remembered me though I have not been able to be actively serving in this ministry since my relapse of severe depression in December 2006. I missed them every now and then and it is still a joy for me whenever I get to see them.

I am finding meaning in my relationship with God and all these other relationships in my life, and in my service in the church and my work. These all make my life worth living. My life is no longer a big mess or a confusing one. It is fill with meaning and purposes, and I look forward to each day the Lord has given me so that I may spend it for Him and others. I look forward too to the day when my tasks here are completed, and I can enter into my eternal rest and enjoy God in worship and fellowship forever more, never to be hindered by sins or sicknesses anymore. Until then, I continue to run the race that is set before me, looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of my faith. Praise God.

What about you? Do you also struggle with a confusing life due to bipolar or depression? Have you found something helpful to cope?

"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." James 4:14

"....I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" John 11:25-26

Learning to cope with stress and mood swings of bipolar (manic and depression)

Recently, I have been feeling very very tired and easily stressed. I believe this is partly due to effect of being rather manic for some weeks prior to this and also partly because I have taken on some freelance assignments which are mentally taxing and with rather tight deadlines. I am also having to manage some other personal and family matters. These can be rather overwhelming. I just realized that I have been having more on my plates than I can managed!

I was feeling rather down for a few days as I was very very tired. I prayed daily for God's grace and strength. Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness. I am learning to cope through the following ways:

1) I look to God daily in prayers and reading of the Bible. When I feel overwhelmed and sad, I pour out my heart to the Lord in prayers. I told him of how tired I felt and how discouraged at times. Sometimes I felt a sense of uselessness and a dread to face the challenges ahead of me. I felt so weak and without strength to carry on. I am beginning to realize that these are signs that I am overly stressed and strain, and may lead to an episode of severe depression soon if not manage carefully.

I fear relapse of severe depression as they zapped me of all my energy and I can't enjoy God, the Bible, worship, my family, my church, my friends, my work, my hobbies, etc etc. Thank God that He bids us to come unto Him when we are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest. I told the Lord my fear and pray that He may preserve me and help me to cope. I found encouragement in the singing of Psalm 130 that reminds me that I can cry unto the Lord from out of the depths I am in and He will hear and answer my prayers, and deliver me in His time. The song "Because He Lives" also brings great comfort and assurance to me. Because our Lord Jesus Christ suffered, died and arose again, and He is living and in control, and He loves me, I can face tomorrow in His strength and grace. Thank God that He can still any storm in my life! Thank God for giving me peace as I learn to cast my cares upon Him. My flesh and my heart fails, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.

2) I am learning to recognize early symptoms of being overly stressed and dangerous mood swings which may either escalate into manic or spiral down into depression. I am learning to realize the importance of not overlooking these but at the same time not to be too discouraged by these. I am learning to accept that these are part and parcel of bipolar which needs to be carefully managed. I can learn to manage it by looking to God and prayerfully using whatever helps and means available. I can still live a meaningful and useful life.

Everyone experience mood swings every now and then, but the tricky part about depression or bipolar is how to manage it and prevent as afar as possible from getting too manic or falling into severe depression. Even if I do fall into severe depression, I hope I will remember that it will pass away and I will be better again. It is hard during severe depression to remember what it is like to be well. I hope this blog and what I have written when I am well, will remind me of it.

One of the best coping strategies, suggested by professionals and patients alike, is using a mood chart to track my own episodes and symptoms. I am using a Mood Diary to keep track of my mood swings. Some charts I found to be helpful in tracking moods or lifestyles are:

a. Mood Diary (mooddiary.pdf)

b. Here is another Booklet from DBSA with some explanations and charts for Lifestyle and Mood Tracking (lifestyle-and-mood-tracking.pdf)

c. Here is a helpful tool to use for Healthy Lifestyle Tracking with the emphasize on Sleep, Nutrition, Exercise, Relaxation, Comfort and Self-Expression, Relationships (healthylife.pdf.)

3) I am taking my medication regularly. I am taking 100mg Lamictal (Lamotrigine) which is a mood stabiliser and 25mg Seroquel (Quetiapine) which is an anti-psychotic, daily. My pdoc said these will help to stabilise my mood on the longer run as I learn to manage triggering factors.

4) I am endeavouring to eat regularly and more healthily. I eat a variety of fruits and vegetables daily to get enough vitamins. I am also taking Omega-3 supplements regularly which is supposed to be helpful in stabilising mood disorders in long run.

5) I am trying hard to sleep at regular hours though I am tempted to work beyond my sleeping hours. I am learning to slow down now. I think with enough rest for my body and mind, plus healthy food for my body, it will be able to cope better with the various challenges.

6) I am making time to exercise every morning. I have not been able to continue my membership with the Women's Gym after the trial membership expired in mid-Feb because they have decided to change their opening hours. I prefer to go to the Gym in the early mornings as it helps to strengthen me for the daytime. Now, I try to go for brisk walkings whenever I can and do some simple exercise at home.

7) I am learning to cope with stress. I hate stress but I know we cannot avoid stress. Unless I learn to manage stressful situations in my life, I will always be overwhelmed by it.

I thank God for friends and family's advice and brain storming. Thank God that providentially, I need not do one of my freelance assignments which is very stressful due to its volumn as well as tight deadline. Although this mean a great loss of income, I am glad I can keep my sanity! I realized that I cannot take on freelance assignments that are too difficult and strenous, or mentally too straining and stressful, with too tight deadlines. I will burn myself out and it is not worth the money. My health is more important.

I am also learning to use a Diary to plan my time and tasks daily, set my priorities and break down difficult items into smaller and more manageable portions. I marked down dates of various appointments and deadlines of my freelance assignments, so that I don't missed them out. I list out items I need to work on daily, and I check them out whenever they are completed. There is a sense of accomplishment when I finished a small tasks.

I am learning to take one day at a time! Hard lesson to learn as I tend to do 101 things at the same time :-)

8) I am learning to plan some time either along the day or at least once a week, to take a break from my daily routine and to have some form of recreations. All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy :-) I need some form of breaks and recreations, to recharge my batteries!

I am enjoying photography whenever I have opportunity to go out. I am also enjoying making bookmarks using the photographs I have taken and giving them to my church members and friends. These are rather therapeutic to me.

I am also learning to take short breaks throughout the day to stretch myself and take a drink, or sometimes a quick nap when I need them. These takes a lot of discipline too as I tend to be very engrossed in my tasks.

9) I am learning to open myself up and share with my family, church and friends when I am troubled or perplexed or too stress. Often others can see things more clearly than me and can help me to see things from a right perspective and manage them better. Thank God for family and friends who have helped me recently to manage some stressful and difficult situations in my life.

I am thankful for opportunities to go out for a meal with my friend or to go Prayer Meeting together. These help to break from my routines and are refreshing to me.

I am thankful for this blog where I can use like a Journal or Online Diary to express my thoughts and feelings. It is therapeutic for me to verbalise my thoughts and feelings whether they be happy or sad ones. I am glad that I can express myself in this way and need not put on a mask. And I am thankful for church friends and blogging friends who care for me and willing to read my thoughts and feelings and pray for me and encourage me, or make suggestion on how I can cope.

And I am so thankful to God to be supported by so many of you, my dear blogging friends! It is such a great blessing from God that though we may never meet on this earth, we can pray, encourage and support one another through the various challenges we face here. These are tokens of God's goodness and mercies to me, and I praise Him!

10) I am learning to recognize when my thoughts began to turn negative and eats into me. When my moods spiral down, if I don't recognize it, it will overwhelm me. My thoughts became rather negative recently and I started to feel very down for many days. Thank God for sending family, church members and blogging friends who reminded me of God, His love and mercies and ways to manage my condition. Some helped me to identify faulty or unhelpful thinking patterns or behaviours, and how to rectify them.

Thank God that my thoughts are clearer now and I am feeling so much better! I know I still need to be very prayerful and vigilant. I am comforted that the Lord has provided me with people who loved and cared for me, and also provided much help to manage my conditions. I know I must learn to look to Him and use these means for my well being.


Thanks and praise to God for His goodness and mercies in helping me to learn to cope. There is so much I am learning daily and seems to have to keep relearning some of these things, and reapply them. Thank God for grace and strength.

Thank God for His presence with me and encouragements through His Words. And thanks again to all of you for your prayers, support and encouragements.