Showing posts with label My relapse of depression in December 2006. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My relapse of depression in December 2006. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Email 4 - 30 March 2007 Evening : My review with the doctor and diagnosis of proneness to Bipolar

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your prayers. Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness.

My review by the doctor went on very well today. After I explained my conditions, sleep problems and family history to her, she said I am prone to bi-polar and therefore anti-depressant is not suitable for me as it will make my mood high when my mood is normal or happy. This explains why after my mother went to church, I have been experiencing very elevated mood, difficulties sleeping, have floods of thoughts and could type those long emails! The doctor has asked me to stop the antidepressant (Prozac 20mg) and she has prescribed 2 different medications for me now ie. Seroquel 25mg and 1/4 of Lamictal 100mg . One of the medications is to calm me down and help me to sleep (but not a sleeping pill) and the other one is to prevent the relapse of depression.

I will need to read up more about bipolar as well as the medications. A quick search on the internet reveals the following information: “Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But there is good news: bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives… It is often not recognized as an illness, and people may suffer for years before it is properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person’s life….. Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.”

Now I began to understand why in the past even before I seek medical help, I will experience periods of very happy and joyful mood in which I often have a lot of energy and prone to over-strain myself. Then a period of very low and depressed mood will overcome me to the point that I will be suicidal. These usually lasts for months before my mood returns to normal. Thank God for preserving me through those difficult years and leading me now to seek the appropriate diagnosis and treatment.

Thank God for providing me with a very kind and understanding Doctor. She has kindly written me a memo so that I can show it to the next doctor that will be following me up at a government hospital from 20 April 2007onwards. I first sought help from this private doctor at a private hospital last December when I suffered a relapse of depression and was suicidal. As my condition was critical and life threatening and yet I couldn’t seek help in the hospital as I do not want my mother to know of my condition, my employer kindly fixed an appointment with an old friend of hers at the private hospital. Thereafter, I have managed to get an appointment at governmnet hospital but the waitlist is until 20 April. Thank God that my Doctor is able to review me now and switch me to different medication. Please continue to pray with me for the Lord’s restoration and for grace and wisdom for me to use the appropriate means in my restoration. I will be reading up more about my condition, the various medications, supplements, diet, exercise, etc that will help in my recovery. I will also be continuing with the counselling at Counselling and Care Centre. May the Lord enable me to manage this illness better and to live for His glory.

Thanks again for your prayers. I really look forward to a better sleep tonight with the switch to these new medications. And trust that by the grace of God, He will enable me to be able to join the worship this Lord’s day. All praise be to God for His mercies and faithfulness.

In the Lord’s mercies,


Some replies from my friends and brethren-in-Christ whom I shall keep anonymous unless they give me permission to put their names on this webpage:


Dear sister,

Thank God that your doctor is good. Hope that the medicine can treat you well. Get well soon.


Email 5 - 31 March 2007: Thank God able to sleep better with new medications

Dear brethren,

Thank God for His faithfulness. I was able to sleep better last night. Though I still wake up in the night, I was able to drift back to sleep more easily. I am up early this morning, feeling much rested! Thank God! Thanks again for your prayers.

I am greatly encouraged by God’s mercies and goodness to me despite my many sins, failures and lack of faith many times. As believer, we also suffer all kinds of diseases and face all kinds of difficulties just like any other non-believers. But the difference is that we have the sweet assurance that all things are working together for God’s glory and our good no matter what the Lord in His sovereignty allows us to go through …. even when it is deep valley.

The Psalmist said in Psalm 119:71, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.” I am thankful to God for this affliction too which enable me to know God in a more experiential way. The many precious Bible passages and doctrines which I am learning daily, becomes very real to me through this difficult time. I felt very sensibly that the Lord is sustaining me and working things out for His glory and my good. I am thankful to God that I can know more of His love and faithfulness through this difficult experience. I am thankful to God also for all the prayers and support of you and many of our brethren. I thank God that through these correspondences, I am able to catch up with some brethren, strengthen my friendship with many brethren, and even build new friendship with some brethren. All glory be to God!

Thanks again for praying and making time to read and write. May we be reminded always of God’s love and faithfulness as we journey towards the celestial city with all the various challenges which are sovereignly allowed in our life by our Lord Who loves us and gave His life for us. May He deepens our love and devotion for Him, increase our love for His beloved people and give us fresh passion for the salvation of lost sinners. May we live joyfully and gratefully for His glory and labour on in His service.

Many thanks again for your fellowship, encouragements and support through the years! May you too know the love and faithfulness of God in many wonderful ways daily. All praise and glory be to God!

“Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.” Psalm 73:25-26

Lamentations 3
21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
22 It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

With appreciation and gratefulness,


Some replies from my friends and brethren-in-Christ whom I shall keep anonymous unless they give me permission to put their names on this webpage:


Dear sister,

Thanks for sharing. We are sinners living in a sinful world. We use the means that God provides for our good, yet the same time our hope and comfort is in the Word. The earth will pass away, but His word shall abide forever.

Sincerely


Dear sister,

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. We rejoice to know that God is working out His perfect will in your life. In particular, we are thrilled to learn that you are begining to understand yourself (in particular your thought patterns) thru the help of a christian counsellor. The Lord bless her!

Praying and rejoicing with you,


Hi sister,

it is encouraging to read your testimony, and we would praise the Lord for His faithfulness in His dealings with His children. Indeed we can rest upon the assurance that He works all things well for the ultimate benefits of His children, eventho’ it is hard sometimes to understand or even accept the present circumstances. We’ll be praying for you. May the Lord grant you recovery from this season of illness that you may be enabled to serve Him for His glory.

Take care…


Dear sister,

Sorry, I did not know you went through a very difficult period. Must have been very trying for you. Glad to know you are recovering well. Thank you for sharing with me. One lesson learned from you is we must not take our well-being for granted. We need support and guidance from the God we worship, our family and friends.


Email 3 - 30 March 2007 : Discovery of my late father’s markings of Hymns and Bible passages

Dear brethren,

Thank you for your prayers for me. Thank God for His continuous mercies and faithfulness. Thank God that last night, for the first time in so many weeks, I was able to sleep through 5 solid hours! This morning I am up again very early but felt very refreshed. Thank God and thank you for your prayers. Apart from praying, meditating on God’s Words and doing some reflections, here I am again at my keyboard typing out my thoughts and feelings to share with you and some other brethren. Thanks again for making time to read this very long email! I am continuing to find it helpful to verbalise my thoughts and feelings to share with you and some brethren while my pen is hot.

Thank you for sharing my burden and joy as I recounted God’s dealings with me. I could sense the genuine brotherly concern you feel for me and am comforted by your prayers for me. I felt very privilege that I am cared in this way by many of God’s beloved people, and I thank God for all of your kindness and friendship. It is a tremendous source of strength and support to me in this difficult trial. I know you are praying with me and I want to encourage you, as well as give praise and glory to God, for His faithfulness and mercies by sharing the following testimony with you.

God in His mercies and faithfulness balance this fierce storm in my life with His great mercies. Admist my deepest trial, He gave me my deepest joy! My late father passed away of heart failure in April 2001 without making an open profession of faith despite having gone to church for many times, heard the Gospels many times, been visited by many brethren in the Lord and at times he had expressed his faith in God to me. I am thankful to God of the many wonderful ways He had used our church and other brethren to reach out to my family and especially to my late father. I am grateful for the way many gave of their substance selflessly to contribute to my late father’s operation fees and for visiting him when he was sick. This indirectly was used by the Lord to be a testimony to my unbelieving family members and friends through my mother’s sharing with them. Thank and praise God!

For so many years I have cherish the hope that my late father did know something of the saving grace of God because of some of his conversations with me when he was alive. At times he had expressed that he believed Christ is the living and true God although he also said he cannot become a Christian due to various reasons. I thank God for the peace and sweet assurance in my heart that somehow God has wrought a work of grace in his soul because of his past conversations with me. Thank God for the peace of God and comfort of many brethren at my late father’s funeral when he passed away 6 years ago though he didn’t openly profess faith in Christ. At that time I did not have the privilege to give him a Christian burial neither do I have any firm assurance of his actual spiritual estate, while some of our other Christian brethren have the joy and privilege of giving their parents a Christian burial and were given the sweet assurance of their parent’s entrance into eternal rest. I sometimes do feel very painful when I see this happening. I do rejoice with our brethren whenever they have the assurance of their parent’s salvation but I sometimes, in my weakness, wondered why I was denied the same joy even after many years of prayers and faithful services to our Lord? What went wrong? Am I more sinful than our other brethren? Or God loves them more than me? How ashamed I am now to realize that in my sins and weak faith, I have doubted God’s love and faithfulness in the past! Yet the Lord is long-suffering and forgiving, He did not hold this against me. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed my transgressions!

The Lord in His mercies and faithfulness, has now given me a new glimpse into the possibility of His secret work in my late father’s heart although I have no way to know for a certainty the actual spiritual estate of my father, for only God alone knows his heart. I am so greatly comforted recently, to discover some of my late father’s markings of Hymns and Bible passages in his Chinese/English Hymnal and his Chinese Bible. This is a pleasant surprise in the midst of my trials! The joy of knowing that perhaps my late father did know something of the saving grace of God because he did read the Bible and Hymnal and make some markings on some very significant passages and Hymns, far surpasses whatever trials that I am going through now. How can a dead and lost sinner understand the Bible and the significance of those blessed Bible verses which my father had marked apart from the saving grace of God working in his soul by the power of the Holy Spirit! How comforted I am! How merciful is the Lord to sustain me in this deep trial by giving me this sweet glimpse into the work of grace He possibly could have done in my father’s soul! How I praise and thank Him for His love and faithfulness to unworthy me. And I thank you and our brethren for praying with me and reaching out to him when he was alive.

The following are some of the Hymns and Bible passages which my father had marked in his Chinese/English Hymnal:

“1) Hymn: The Solid Rock

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand-
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound
O may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne

2) Hymn: Is my name written there?

Lord, I care not for riches,
Neither silver nor gold-
I would make sure of heaven
I would enter the fold.
In the book of Thy kingdom
With its pages so fair
Tell me, Jesus, my Savior
Is my name written there?

Is my name written there
On the page white and fair?
In the book of Thy kingdom,
Is my name written there?

Lord, my sins they are many,
Like the sands of the sea,
But Thy blood, O my Savior,
Is sufficient for me;
For Thy promise is written
In bright letter that glow
“Tho your sins be as scarlet,
I will make them like snow.”

Is my name written there
On the page white and fair?
In the book of Thy kingdom,
Is my name written there?

O that beautiful city
With its mansions of light,
With its glorified beings
In pure garments of white;
Where no evil thing cometh
to despoil what is fair
Where the angels are watching-
Yes, my name’s written there.

Yes, my name’s written there
On the page white and fair;
In the book of Thy kingdom
Yes, my name’s written there!

3) Revelations 7

9 After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands;

10 And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb.

11 And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God,

12 Saying, Amen: Blessing, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honour, and power, and might, be unto our God for ever and ever. Amen.

13 And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they?

14 And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

15 Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them.

16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.

17 For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living

fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

4) And with a pillar of cloud Thou didst lead them by, and with a pilar of fire by night to light for them the way in which they were to go. Nehemiah 9:12

(KJV - Neh 9:12 “Moreover thou leddest them in the day by a cloudy pillar; and in the night by a pillar of fire, to give them light in the way wherein they should go. “)

5) The Lord will protect you from all evil, He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever. Psalm 121:7-8

(KJV - Psalm 121:7-8 “The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. “)

6) Peace I leave unto you; My peace I give unto you; Not as the world gives, do I give to you, Let not your heart be troubled, Nor let it be fearful. - John 14:27

(KJV - John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”)

7) And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

(KJV - Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.)”

I was so overjoyed to see my father’s markings for the above 7 items. I was especially thrilled to see my father’s marking on Revelation 7:9-17! What a blessed and comforting passage! How could my late father had appreciated such a blessed passage of Scripture unless He knows something of the saving grace of God? I often found Revelations to be a difficult book. So even as believer, I little appreciate the preciousness of this passage of Scripture. But now this passage has a new meaning to me, it is not only my own blessed hope of one day being found before the Throne and before the Lamb of God, but that perhaps my late father did have some secret assurance of this blessed hope too! Oh, how wonderful it will be on that day, when we all appear before His throne, to see our parents and loved ones also there! Surely, the Lord shall lead us unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes. What a sweet assurance!

May we continue to labour on in the outreach to our parents and the elderly and friends from our neighbourhood. For those of us who do not have the joy of the assurance of our departed parents’ eternal estate, may these elderly be like our own parents and the Lord give us the joy and privilege of seeing them knowing Him savingly, enjoy Him in this life and entering into their eternal rest. May we labour on for His glory!

Thanks again for all your prayers, encouragement and support. May we have the sweet assurance of God’s love and faithfulness always in all the changing scenes of life. May our Lord enable us to run this pilgrim race with patience and joy in the Lord until the day He calls us home to be with Himself, to enjoy His love and fellowship forever, and our eternal rest. How I long for that day!

Please take care. Covet your prayers as I meet up with my doctor this afternoon at 3.30pm. Thanks!

“But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God: I trust in the mercy of God for ever and ever.”

Psalm 52:8

With thanks and praise to God,

Some replies from my friends and brethren-in-Christ whom I shall keep anonymous unless they give me permission to put their names on this webpage:

Dear sister,

Thank you for your letter. It is a pleasure to hear from you and to read of your love for Christ even when your health has been difficult. We are all of us feeble creatures and much need the mercy of God in this short life. It is good to know that your dear father had a love of the things of God, from what you say.

My wife and I have an embroidery of yours on the windowsill. It has lovely texts on it: “All things work together for good to then that love God”. This was a kind gift which you gave to us some years ago while we were with you all over there at a conference in Singapore.

May God bless and reward you, sister, for all your kindness and may He comfort your dear heart with His grace….

Yours sincerely in Christ

Email 2 - 29 March 2007 : The Counselling sessions enabling me to embark on a New Journey

Dear Friend,

Thank you very much for your kind reply and encouragement. Thank you very much for your prayer support. Thank God that these few days I am able to cope better. Work front is quieter and so I was enabled by the Lord to clear some backlogs at work. I am also able to sleep slightly longer on some nights though my sleep is still interrupted. Sometimes I tried not to get out of bed when I wake up in the middle of the night. So at times I managed to drift into sleep again after much tossing and prayers. Thank God! I do still feel very tired but can sense myself wonderfully uphold! Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness! Surely this is no least owing to yours and other brethren’s prayers to God for me! Thanks!

Please continue to pray with me, dear sister. I have missed worship and fellowship last Lord’s day. How I long to be found in the house of God again to worship Him and fellowship! Do pray with me that God willing, He will continue to strengthen me and enable me to join all of you in worship this Lord’s day, to partake of the Lord’s Supper and to fellowship a little. As the Lord helps us to prepare our heart to come before His table this Lord’s day, may we be reminded afresh of His great love for us.

No greater love has our Lord demonstrated than by laying down His life for us. He continues to preserve us and provide for our every need as we seek and serve Him in this pilgrim journey. One day when our duties are done, He shall usher us into His presence to enjoy sweet communion with Him and all His beloved children for all eternity. Meanwhile, let us press on in His strength daily and live for His glory. I am reminded of what Pastor exhorted us at the beginning of this year from Philippians 3:13-14 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”

I am still trying to understand the many precious lessons our Lord is teaching me through these difficult trials in my life. I know that He in His faithfulness has afflicted me (Psalm 119:75). He is sanctifying me through these difficult experiences and drawing me to know more of His saving grace and faithfulness. I may not always understand His dealings with me but I have no doubt at all of His love for me. I am reminded of some of the encouraging words from some poems quoted in a small booklet written by Rev John J Murray, “Behind a Frowning Providence”:

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned.

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps n the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust in His grace,
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

For me, personally, this turned out to be a very significant event in my life and God in His faithfulness is working it out for my good (Romans 8:28). I can sense myself growing in many different ways and experiencing the joy and peace of the Lord in many wonderful ways. I have now begun on a new journey, by God’s grace. The counseling, in particular, is being used by our Lord to change my perspective of many things in life and indirectly it is changing me. It is actually a process of self-discovery, and of knowing God, self and others better. I am thankful to God for hearing my prayers and provided someone who is very gentle, caring, sympathetic and encouraging to be my counselor. She always sees something positive and encouraging that God is doing in all my difficult trials. She constantly seeks to help me to see the many mysterious outworking of our faithful God, Who loves us dearly and gave His Son for us, in the various paths I have gone through in the past or are going through now. I will be 41 this October but I found to my surprise that I have been wondering in the wilderness for the last 40 years! And now, by the mercies of God, I am finally coming out of the wilderness and entering into the land of Canaan! You see, she is helping me to discover some faulty patterns in my thoughts and feelings which have affected my life and various relationships for so many years. They are not just occasional thoughts but deep-seated patterns! No wonder I am often overcome by them as I am not conscious of them. I am surprised to discover these truths and felt as if I am just getting to know myself! She is now slowly helping me to recognise these faulty thought patterns, and change these faulty ways of thinking to more biblical ways, by God’s grace. And these are beginning to have such tremendous effects on my life, my relationship with God and others around me. I am thankful to God for providing such a help in her and her willingness to walk through this difficult journey with me. By God’s grace, each session yields some positive outcome. Accumulatively, these new discoveries of self and God’s mercies in them, is beginning to change my life in many wonderful ways. I wish I could share more of the details with you but I think I will have to write a book in order to do so and I am just in Chapter One! I know the process may be a long and tedious one and I need much patience and perseverance to go on slowly. But it will be a journey worth taking… and I am looking forward to each session with her because I get to know myself better each time, can see more clearer God’s love, mercies and faithfulness and am enabled to improve in my relationships with various people, and also learning to improve in managing the various challenges in my life. Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness!

Hope I didn’t weary you with this long email again! I found it therapeutic to be able to verbalise how I feel or what I think and share with some friends and brethren. Thanks for making time to read and write. Thanks for your prayers, fellowship and encouragements. They are deeply appreciated and may our Lord bless you for your kindness to me.

Please take care. May you continue to know the love and faithfulness of God daily as you press on in your various callings. Do know that I continue to remember you and family in my prayers.

In the Lord’s mercies,

Some replies from my friends and brethren-in-Christ whom I shall keep anonymous unless they give me permission to put their names on this webpage:


Dear sister,

Thank you for writing. I enjoy reading your updates, though I am not always able to reply in a manner befitting the effort you have put in to writing them.

It is very good to read of your journey of self-discovery. You do write very well, so perhaps while your discovery is still fresh, you may want to write it down. Chapter 1 is in the making, maybe soon you will have chapter 2 and 3 etc. Perhaps this could be also one of the good that will come out of this affliction the Lord has apportioned for you.

God works in mysterious ways. But by his providence, He makes us understand little by little something of ourselves and something about Him. “The paths of the just is as a shining light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day” (Prov 4:18).

May you know the blessing of the Lord that you be a blessing to other.

Yours with warm regards in the Lord


Dear sister,

Please do not worry about writing long emails. Please feel free to do so if it helps you as you said. We be glad to be your listener or readers so that to help us understand your thoughts much better.

Recently I have been much blessed by hearing mp3 sermons from this site. I like to recommend it to you in case you are not aware. Perhaps you will also find some sermons that can encourage your spirit.

http://www.sermonaudio.com/

We’ll continue to pray with you and please take care and we look fwd to meet with you as God wills.

By God’s grace,

Email 1 - 26 March 2007 : To share about my relapse

Dear Friends

Greetings to you in the name of our beloved Lord Jesus Christ.

Thanks for your prayers and fellowship over the years. Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness to us as His beloved people. Recently, I went through a very difficult trial and am still in it but have been wonderfully upheld by the Lord and the prayers of many brethren. Last week in particular I was enabled by the Lord to write at length to share with some brethren so that they can pray with me. I am writing to share the same with you now so that you too can pray with me. Do bear with me as these emails are very very long!

I do covet your prayers as I have been unwell recently . Actually, end of last year, I had a severe relapse of clinical depression after I suffered the burn-out when I over-strained myself in the elderly’s ministry in my church and when my work was going through various changes and my brother also went overseas to work at the same time. I have had several relapses over the years. The relapse this time was very bad and I had great difficulty coping with my work. The depression affected my thoughts and feelings and I was not able to think rationally nor feel correctly. My condition worsened over the months until I had suicidal thoughts. Thank God that my employer and my 2 other colleagues are very very understanding, kind and supportive. They were very concerned to see the changes in me and recognised that it was clinical depression. With their encouragement and support, I have finally decided to seek medical help for the first time due to the severity of my condition.

I was put on anti-depressant (Prozac 20mg) from end of January 2007 and thank God I was better and able to cope with my work and daily life after that. The medication did have some side effects which affects my sleep pattern and made me very very tired daily. I have to consciously slow down and not over strain. Thank God that as I am not feeling down anymore, I could still function though physically tired due to interrupted sleep.

Four weeks ago, my sleeping patterns have been further interrupted. After my mum went to the Hokkien Service for the first time, I was very very happy and excited. The whole night I couldn’t sleep. I found myself very very joyful and excited and there were many happy thoughts that flooded my mind. For many days I was also very elevated in my mood. Sometimes I sleep as little as 3 hours only and spend the rest of the night tossing. You can imagine how tired I was in the daytimes! 2 weeks ago my condition worsened due to increasing workload and accumulated tiredness. I began to experience severe tooth and jaw pain in the beginning of the week and I couldn’t sleep at night. I took painkillers every day to ease the pain. One morning I decided to go to the Dentist to find out what is wrong with my teeth. The Dentist did a thorough check-up and even x-ray but could not find anything wrong with my teeth. After some discussion, the Dentist suspected that my severe tooth and jaw pain is actually due to stress. The Dentist said some people when they undergo stress they actually clench their teeth unconsciously and their jaw muscles will ache after that. He advised me to monitor my own condition and take pain killers whenever necessary. He asked me to observe whether this severe tooth and muscle ache recur whenever I am too busy or stressed. I am learning to manage the various challenges in my life better. I am learning too to recognize early symptoms of my illness, step up my coping strategies and prayers, and seek help whenever necessary plus taking necessary rest and breaks.

I am also seeing a Christian lady trained counselor at Counseling and Care Centre regularly who is helping me to trace the history of my relapses, possible causes of it, understand it better and learn ways to better manage it. Thank God for blessing my sessions with her so far. Through my sessions with her, I am beginning to identify some faulty thinking patterns I have which might have either contributed or worsen my relapse of clinical depression. The Counselor is helping me to trace the causes of my relapses so that I can learn to better manage my condition. Just last week I found out to my surprise that actually my 2 other siblings also have experience bouts of depression in different degrees over the last few years. They didn’t share with me their experiences neither did I share with them mine. We cannot tell our mother as she will get worried. I also recall that from my mother’s side, one of my cousins had committed suicide 4 years ago by jumping down from her high flat at Bishan. She was mentally very ill and depressed for many years and on long term medications and at times warded in Institute of Mental Health. My mother’s second older sister has been on long term tranquilisers and some other medications due to anxieties and panic attacks. My father’s sister suffered from similar mental disorder and was on some medication at some point of time. As I consider these carefully, I realized that mental illness runs in both my parent’s families and particularly so in my family as 2 of my siblings and me have experience bouts of depression over the last few years in different degrees. This explains why I am so vulnerable to relapses when I don’t manage the difficulties in my life well. I am thankful to God for leading me to be aware of this so that now I can seek the appropriate medical help and counseling so as to learn to understand and manage my condition better and manage the challenges in my life better so that I can live for God’s glory and serve Him more effectively.

I am thankful to God for my employer and my 2 other colleague’s support. They have been very very understanding and supportive. They have encouraged me to make it a point to go for a longer lunch break daily so that I can take a walk after lunch. They also share my workload whenever I can’t manage. Please pray with me for strength and grace to cope and wisdom to prioritize my duties.

Thank God that I will be going for my review with the psychiatrist on Friday. I need to let her know the side-effects of my medication especially the way it is affecting my sleep. I hope she can do something to help me to improve upon my sleep. These few nights I have been sleeping on average of only 3 hours with a lot of tossing. Sometimes instead of tossing in bed, I get up to read, pray and write my journal. I am also borrowing books from the library to read up more about clinical depression and coping strategies. I have been enabled to exercise more regularly and consciously eat more healthily. I do trust that in the Lord’s timing I will get better. But the process can be very long and trying. I think to find an appropriate dosage of the medication that allows me to function optimumly may take a while more. Meanwhile, I need to endure these little sleep nights until Friday and not sure what will happen then. Please pray with me for the Lord’s guidance to the psychiatrist to help me in this area.

Thanks once again for all your prayers, encouragement and support. Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness. Please take care. May our Lord continue to keep both of you and family in His loving care daily.

With appreciation & prayers,



Some replies from my friends and brethren-in-Christ whom I shall keep anonymous unless they give me permission to put their names on this webpage:


Thanks for sharing your situation with us sister. We will pray with you. Yes, if the medication does help, you should continue. I guess you know your condition (besides the Lord) better than any outsider. I’m sure it is not easy to cope with this condition without the grace of God to sustain you. But thank God that he is faithful to His own.

Feel free to talk to us anytime if it helps you in anyway.

Praying for you sister,



Dear sister,

Thank you for your sharing, encouragements and prayers. I’m sorry that I did not reply to your earlier email as I was busy the whole week.

I am praying with you. Thank God for strengthening you and helping you to rest and trust in Him.

May these words from Ron Hamilton encourage you to continue to rejoice in Him in our trials.—–

” God never moves without purpose or plan When trying His servant and molding a man. Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long; In darkness He giveth a song. O rejoice in the Lord. He makes no mistake. He knoweth the end of each path that I take. For when I am tried and purified, I shall come forth as gold.”

Yours prayerfully